30 Days.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dChnfK4T4OA



"I've loved you from Hello"

38 Days.

"Do you think your life would be easier if you wernt in love with me?" -Edward Cullen

Thirty Nine.

I'm sorry I am not perfect. I mean I know you already knew that, but still. I know when you look at me as a whole entity you see the girl that you love, unconditionally. But I also know that when you step back and look at each individual piece of of this massively interpretive puzzle you see the chinks in the armour. You see the force field I pretend surrounds both the dresser and my closet...which explains why all of my articles of clothing are deflected to the floor. I also know that you see how, blinded by the rare sunshine of a self inflicted perfectly happy morning, I become forgetful of my obligations,like forgetting to give Atlas his pill this morning. I can be frustrating, I frustrate myself daily,I am currently so frustrated with myself that I actually avoid time spent alone. Something may be really wrong with me actually...like this morning, after I got off the phone with you, I turned the radio to a station that played songs I  have never herd before in my life and turned the volume up so loud that my eyes were squinted. I liked the sound blocking out my thoughts, I hate being alone with myself. So on top of the stress of stressing you out just being me stresses me out. I don't usually tell you this stuff. I know you have seen flash's of it, but I know Ive only just let that slip. Ha, that sounds frightfully scary, that last sentence does. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in my entire life I can be at ease with my life. I wake up happy and am actually, honestly happy. You are the so strong, and I swear the way you support me and believe in me is unreal. You don't just humor my flighty ways, you help me morph them into an actual idea, thought, or action. We make a great team, really, Varsity. But, sometimes we are selfish. Not very often, but sometimes. & I know that there are things you keep in the back of your mind just like the two things I keep in the back of mine. And that's ok, its normal I think. Its nothing big, nothing altering. So what if you refuse to wear condoms, even though it is a smart, safe, and cheep alternative to unprotected sex. And when you say that you refuse to...well, you know after the wedding...ok. I thought this was a team? Why is it up to me to make sure we don't have a baby until we are actually ready, mentally, financially, physically...? I dunno why this conversation stored itself in my brain, BUT, alas, it did. and the second being grad school. We will end this before we even get started on it. & I will say that you were very diplomatic and open the last time we talked about it. Just remember that we are two individuals who enjoy our individualism.and when we are married and we share our sir name, we will still be two individuals who have brought their two beautiful lives together to for this new beautiful life, together. I don't know why my thoughts are here today, or maybe I do. & maybe that is the whole problem. The whole reason why I am fundamentally unstable and flighty and hesitant and afraid and fearless and feel abandonment as easily as I do enjoyment from frozen yogurt. I'm a mess. A disaster, a disaster that loves you with my whole heart.

                                                       Left Wrist. White Ink. You Know.

USNA hears about Osama bin Laden's death.40 Days.

my thoughts are at home this morning....Sweet Home Alabama.

day 47.

"it took awhile for you to find me, find me, but I was hiding in the lime tree"

whats been going on in the mean time, 51 days.

Stop this Train.

I guess on some subconscious level I know that things are constantly moving, constantly changing.I mean that's the whole purpose of life, right? That never ending change? Well, I need this train I'm on to stop. I need to get off and just sit in the station for a long while, stay perfectly still for as long as I can stand it. But that would also be unrealistic as well wouldn't it? Because eventually somebody else's life train would come roaring through the station and I would be bombarded with a rush of their life as they roll through my station sanctuary with hurricane force. I know its wrong to harbour regrets, and I honestly try to forgive myself, but I cant. And during the day to day I'm OK with that, I am busy and I am able to avoid the down time that brings my thoughts back around to those thoughts...but sometimes, its unavoidable. I am completely blindsided and a wave of all of that completely takes me over. I know we already talked about whats going on this morning, but I just needed to talk about it a little longer. My heart is broken, and its not a clean break, this healing process will not be easy nor ideal.

Atlas.

& then there were two :) we became a family of four this past weekend. Every sane couple gets a puppy 75 days before their wedding....right? Haha. Beijing thinks were NUTS, but so far not so bad. Atlas is the second cutest dog I have ever seen and he really is a gentleman. I love you, and I hope your Monday is wonderful.

80 Days.

I would apologize for being so behind on my little notes to you but I will not :) Our days seem to be vanishing faster then we can live them haha. I feel like all I do is wake up, or maybe thats the only part of my day I can really remember? Alot has been going on and we seem to be just now getting back to a normal rhythem. You went on spring break with the boys & as much as I missed you Im glad you went. Some "Man" time was in order haha, & I REALLY cant complain about the freezer full of Bison steaks and Black Buck :) But Im glad your back home with your girls. Work and school seem normal, you are always busier then I am it seems, its that last few weeks of classes and your full speed ahead. We are 80 days away from the wedding and like any normal sane couple 80 days outside their wedding date we are getting a 9 week old puppy this weekend. Atlas maybe the best/worst idea we have ever had haha, so naturally, IM SO IN. & aside from being hopelessly in love with you...everything else is as normal as we get.

95 Days.

I thought I would show you where my thoughts are today, rather then putting them into words that would never give them justice.

Days Until...

Humouring You.

Happy Texas Independence Day!

I saw this today and had to laugh at you. What is it with you Texans? Aside from this fictional little "holiday" of yours we are also celebrating day 101 on our countdown to THE DAY. I know that comes in a merely close second to the grandness of Texas's Independence Day haha. I hope your day of Texan pride is full of sunshine, mexican delisousness, and all the Dixie Chicks tunes your little heart desires :)

Pad Thai, Bad Thai

I had to smile when you told me you were sick this morning. HaHa, I know that sounds awful but...karma my friend :) Who brings home left overs with out ever eating them? ME! Because I have YOU at the house haha. We have 102 days until our big day and things have been pretty quite. We have been keeping to our training schedules and have been doing really good at them. Your 50k this Saturday should be fun, I know Beijing and I are excited to play while you run! We have all of the Canada flights and reservation booked as of today. I keep looking through the pictures (while I should be working) and with each click of the mouse I wish I could fast forward time, by just about 102 days :) I know that this wait is good for us and that its natural, I'm just very impatient when it comes to waiting, as you may know.I cant wait to be your Mrs. & be sitting on the edge of the pacific, enjoying every second of you, of us. I will keep pressing through my work day, just as I'm assumeing your pushing through the rest of your classes for the day and I will meet you @ the gym tonight. <3

Favorite.

and you,
a windrose, a compass,
my direction, my description of the world.
 -Ian Burgham

Farest Mile.

104 days until our big day.Its Sunday night and I am curled up with Beijing, missing you. I always feel a little silly on Sunday nights (& every night your @ the Academy).I remember the nights when I was still at Alabama and you were here...I would have never thought it could be harder then that distance, but here you are, less then a mile away, and I feel the same longing. This weekend was perfect, as usual. We watched Chris win his big fight Friday night & celebrated with our own little ice cream party. Today we woke up late with Bei, and went to 49 West for breakfast. Then the dog park for the girls and you went for you first ride of the season...and got hit by a van...lightly. Tonight I just wanted to tell you that your the best shin rubber in Annapolis.A & F.

First day in the New Digs.

106 days.

You got to wear your new Marine uniform to classes today. Its all becoming quite real isn't it? Your graduation from the Academy and then the wedding, its like a dream. ( a very real one that I'm OK waking up from because it is also our reality). Where did we go so right? I for one will enjoy the luckiness for as long as the universe will allow :) Happy last Friday in February Bee.

Mr. Eye Candy

Last night I was running @ our gym, watching all the girlie's pretend to work out in their perfectly styled hair and shorty shorts...I noticed that they were all staring in the same general direction, so naturally I took a glance...IT WAS YOU...you were the eye candy last night!!! I had to laugh, I always assume that your beauty is only distracting to me :)

After our workouts we ate @ Whole Foods, it was simple & very us, just the way I like it. I was even able to get you to sit with me while I took a bath. Thank you, I know you could have done a million other things but you sat right there with Beijing. To say I loved you would be the understatement of  my lifetime...but, I love you. A Lot.

Blissfully Engaged.

Today I am simply grateful.

Grateful to be engaged to be married to my light, my love, my life.

"All I know of spirit is this Love".



a start to our start.

Remember that dream? I knew once you saw the title you would know that this was for you and only you. Others may read, some may even enjoy, but only you will understand. We have 109 days left. where has the time really gone? I feel like we were just at the farm heading in to town & up a very enchanting hill. Now here we are. A white dress has been purchased, plans have been made...invitations printed....& all i can think about is a broken picnic table under the sunshine, right on the sound. That sunshine has carried from that memory throughout my entire now. my past, my flawless present, and my soon to be future, its all because of you. I am not really sure what this will morph into, some days it may be an "i miss you" or an "im thinking if you"...it may be a chapter in  the developing story of  "us"...just know that its for you, 109 days of "for you".