"& herms has a tail": May 2011

I'm sorry I am not perfect. I mean I know you already knew that, but still. I know when you look at me as a whole entity you see the girl that you love, unconditionally. But I also know that when you step back and look at each individual piece of of this massively interpretive puzzle you see the chinks in the armour. You see the force field I pretend surrounds both the dresser and my closet...which explains why all of my articles of clothing are deflected to the floor. I also know that you see how, blinded by the rare sunshine of a self inflicted perfectly happy morning, I become forgetful of my obligations,like forgetting to give Atlas his pill this morning. I can be frustrating, I frustrate myself daily,I am currently so frustrated with myself that I actually avoid time spent alone. Something may be really wrong with me actually...like this morning, after I got off the phone with you, I turned the radio to a station that played songs I have never herd before in my life and turned the volume up so loud that my eyes were squinted. I liked the sound blocking out my thoughts, I hate being alone with myself. So on top of the stress of stressing you out just being me stresses me out. I don't usually tell you this stuff. I know you have seen flash's of it, but I know Ive only just let that slip. Ha, that sounds frightfully scary, that last sentence does. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in my entire life I can be at ease with my life. I wake up happy and am actually, honestly happy. You are the so strong, and I swear the way you support me and believe in me is unreal. You don't just humor my flighty ways, you help me morph them into an actual idea, thought, or action. We make a great team, really, Varsity. But, sometimes we are selfish. Not very often, but sometimes. & I know that there are things you keep in the back of your mind just like the two things I keep in the back of mine. And that's ok, its normal I think. Its nothing big, nothing altering. So what if you refuse to wear condoms, even though it is a smart, safe, and cheep alternative to unprotected sex. And when you say that you refuse to...well, you know after the wedding...ok. I thought this was a team? Why is it up to me to make sure we don't have a baby until we are actually ready, mentally, financially, physically...? I dunno why this conversation stored itself in my brain, BUT, alas, it did. and the second being grad school. We will end this before we even get started on it. & I will say that you were very diplomatic and open the last time we talked about it. Just remember that we are two individuals who enjoy our individualism.and when we are married and we share our sir name, we will still be two individuals who have brought their two beautiful lives together to for this new beautiful life, together. I don't know why my thoughts are here today, or maybe I do. & maybe that is the whole problem. The whole reason why I am fundamentally unstable and flighty and hesitant and afraid and fearless and feel abandonment as easily as I do enjoyment from frozen yogurt. I'm a mess. A disaster, a disaster that loves you with my whole heart.