day 47.

"it took awhile for you to find me, find me, but I was hiding in the lime tree"

whats been going on in the mean time, 51 days.

Stop this Train.

I guess on some subconscious level I know that things are constantly moving, constantly changing.I mean that's the whole purpose of life, right? That never ending change? Well, I need this train I'm on to stop. I need to get off and just sit in the station for a long while, stay perfectly still for as long as I can stand it. But that would also be unrealistic as well wouldn't it? Because eventually somebody else's life train would come roaring through the station and I would be bombarded with a rush of their life as they roll through my station sanctuary with hurricane force. I know its wrong to harbour regrets, and I honestly try to forgive myself, but I cant. And during the day to day I'm OK with that, I am busy and I am able to avoid the down time that brings my thoughts back around to those thoughts...but sometimes, its unavoidable. I am completely blindsided and a wave of all of that completely takes me over. I know we already talked about whats going on this morning, but I just needed to talk about it a little longer. My heart is broken, and its not a clean break, this healing process will not be easy nor ideal.